It’s perhaps not surprising having relinquished one child to the care system. A voluntary decision, but still, not what I had in mind as a parent.
No oneโs died, but itโs felt like it at times. Itโs been unsettling to grieve the loss of someone who now lives down the road from you.
So Iโve been feeling a bit sad.
My younger self would have tried to bury the sadness really deep, not said anything and carried on with a stoic face. Perhaps drank too much and felt hollowed out inside.
Walking around deaden inside.
Instead, Iโve chosen to face it head on, being open with friends, family how Iโve felt. Telling my employer too.
Having interesting work and supportive friends has been very welcome. Exercise too. Luckily the sadness hasnโt affected these too much. Being busy has been a godsend.
Grief comes in waves so no two days have been the same. One minute itโs raining, next the sun is out, then some thunder storms, next a rainbow. It really does feel like this.
But having the changing weather conditions blowing through seems about right, in tune with how we process and heal from difficult events.
I reflect openly because I canโt, for the life of me, remember when I learnt to close down in the face of some very reasonable emotions, for a very difficult situation. Perhaps the western culture does us no favours?
Iโm no lesser person for feeling sadness, or grief and loss, nor am I a โbad hireโ or โpoor companyโ because of it.
Rather, Iโm sure the younger 20 something boy suppressing difficult times would have been a complete nightmare to be around. Not this time, though.
I see a counsellor once per week, practicing what I preached for many years manning the phones at the Samaritans.
A chat and a cup of tea goes a long way. Wearing your heart on your sleeve does too.
Iโm still feeling a bit sad, but right now Iโm off for a swim. Take care.