Not some kind of mental thought that you could do better, easily brushed to one side.
But a deeply embodied feeling you haven’t earned your right to be here. The right to breathe air, consume food, occupy the space you do.
Self-loathing. And then some. And some more.
I have. A few times in my life. Not more than a few times, thankfully, but the last occasion was quite recently, hence being top of mind today.
It’s been a very difficult week, incredibly difficult. Jumping through psychometric hoops for a job interview is one thing, but undergoing extensive clinical psychology assessments take it to another level.
At one point during the testing, I began to doubt my own mental image of being a good person, coming face to face with a self-loathing so extreme I felt nauseous. Even the sound of my own voice made me sick. Feeling out of sorts lingered for many days, affecting relationships and self-care.
It’s hard to understand quite why it was such an ordeal, having now been recognised for some damn good safeguarding under extreme stress. There’s nothing I need to prove anymore.
Trauma, I guess. And then again by simply undergoing the psychologist’s assessment.
Who knew you could stress the very framework of good mental functioning to near breaking point? Prisoners of war certainly do. I’ve had a sneak preview too.
As the ugliness of self loathing is top of mind, so I’m writing about it. Although nobody in their right mind would admit to feeling that way. Even the insane wouldn’t write about it on social media.
And yet here we are, because I posit it’s likely a familiar experience to many, but also one that may well be made impotent through the very act of public ousting. Let’s see.
But you know the most surprising thing this week?
Actually seeing the possibility of turning over an entirely new psychological outlook on life.
Discarding the unconsciously adopted, childhood patterning, in lieu of something more deliberate. More chosen.
I just needed the right amount of darkness, and mental anguish, to show me the way. And right now, I’m grateful for that.